By Colin Relihan

Boy for sale!

That’s right kids, for a limited time only, you can receive me, Come `n’ Hire Colin, for a a special low, low price. How low? Amazing Discoveries low? Well, before you get all excited, let me tell you about this amazing product.

I’m a senior now so before I graduate, I have to make sure I can achieve my ultimate dream – being hired out to the highest bidder. But before you start fretting over what it might cost to own an upcoming Georgetown graduate, don’t worry. My expectations are so low, you might think I’m crazy!

Before you say, “Hey, I can own my own hapless college senior for slave wages. That’s what made America great,” I should tell you all about my many options, upgrades and capabilities. For example, have you ever heard of the George Foreman Grill? So have I!

I can mix, grate, slice, dice, maim, chop, masticate, inebriate, germinate and irrigate. Defame, defrock and dilly-dally, salad-shoot, duck-shoot and NRA-style machine-gun. Bake, rake, drink, clink, stymie and slander. I can use any number of clever catchphrases like, “Boo-yah!”Tijuana, here we come!”That’s not infected!” and “Sic semper tyrannus!” And what collection of me would be complete without this classic line: “But wait, there’s more!”

But wait, there’s more! You want cogent analysis, I’m there. You want scathing criticism, I’m your man. You want ridiculous, haphazard and nonsensical viewpoints, well, that’s not infected!

What? Pardon? You want none of those things? Instead, you want the unwavering and mechanical loyalty of an Imperial stormtrooper? I am your sycophant and your lackey. Yes, sir! I am your yes-man. I surrender to your will. Just pay me.

Does anyone here think I’m overreacting to having to find a job this year? Well, I haven’t even begun scaring the freshmen yet. Why?

I am selling out! Buy me, love me, use me at your corporate leisure! Only settling down into a mature career will save me from my excessive use of exclamation marks! … !!!!!

I just can’t stop! I mean, I just can’t stop.

Nonetheless, this isn’t some therapy session, where I talk about my feelings or some such. Oh no, I’m here to sell, so there’s no time to have petty emotions. You just have to fake them. That’s why I began my acting career. When I was 6, I was featured on an episode of Bozo the Clown where I told a little girl that Mommy and Daddy didn’t love her anymore. You see, when they’re picking the kids to play Bozo Balls, they don’t choose the weird ones, like the girls who are all alone in the corner crying uncontrollably. You do what you’ve got to do to win. And we can’t forget my stint as Special Correspondent for Mountain Dew Affairs on the Channel One Network.

Of course, you undoubtedly remember me as Brent Hodges, the snobby East Coaster who tried to date Kelly on a very special episode of Saved By the Bell. Unfortunately for me, Zach Morris comes up with one of his crazy schemes and, to make a long story short, Screech loses $100 million in smuggled heroin and I end up getting beaten to death by members of the Russian mafia. So much for my acting career.

But wait, there’s Tijuana!

If you act now, you will receive a special bonus CD of who else but me singing your favorite hits of the Christian right. It features the Backstreet Boys and me cranking out “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God” and my personal favorite, with Dr. Dre, “Let’s A-K Sin, G-Dog.” Don’t let the Rapture pass you by without it!

But wait, sic semper boo-yah!

I’m not sure you’ve realized how low I’ve sunk. My resume attests to the fact. Right below the line about my all-important Alsatian Unity Club experience, it devolves into a confused collage of letters cut from fashion magazines:

If you eVEr waNt to SEe your dAughTer alive aGaiN, you wilL hire E for your Public RelAtions DepartMEnt. I am dEsperate aNd, as a BOnus, I have worKed With Front Page, DreamweaVer, PhotosHOp and HTML. I truSt you to mAKe the right decision . or elsE.

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