You know what I’ve never understood?

Why people like baseball. At all.

I understand that this column isn’t going to win me any new friends, but at least hear me out.

First, it’s not fun to watch. If I want to watch baseball for any sort of entertainment value, I’ll catch the highlights on SportsCenter.

It’s especially boring because, for the majority of the game, nothing really happens. I understand that there’s some serious master planning going on between the pitcher and the manager, but it just looks like nothing. I mean, isn’t the pitcher warming up in the bullpen half the game anyway? Why do we have to wait for him to throw some pitches on the field, too?

Now, what about the action part of baseball? You know, the pitch thrown every three minutes because we have to have signs passed from the third base coach to the manager to the first base coach to the catcher to the pitcher. And, after all that build up, the pitcher just snaps the ball to the first baseman – just checking, of course. That happens way too often. Throw the ball toward the catcher, through the strike zone, please.

A nice pitch is somewhat fun to watch. Especially if it is really fast, and especially if the batter swings and misses. Even strikes aren’t fun if the batter just watches it go by. Borrrring, is what it is.

OK, so now let’s go so far as to say he hits it. For most of the league, the batter gets on base less than one-fifth of the time. He grounds out to the shortstop. He pelts it at the pitcher. He flies out to center field. Not fun.

On average, the most fun thing in baseball is when the batter rips it through the infield and makes it without a challenge onto first. Sad to say, but the most fun thing is a base hit. Doubles are nice, but almost a disappointment. And triples? Last time I checked, errors weren’t that fun to watch. And don’t even start with home runs. Those are so old hat now. Unless you’re gonna hit it out of the entire facility, don’t even wake me up.

Let’s talk for one second about low scoring games. I recognize that an occasional diving catch can be impressive. I will also commend throws from the outfield that barely snag a guy at the plate. But, seriously, how often do those kinds of plays happen? Better yet, when they do, does it redeem the fact that these guys – whose job it is to score runs – play for three hours and the score is still 2-1? Strong defensive teams, you say? Boring, I repeat.

Speaking of the ballpark, I won’t completely knock America’s pastime. Hot dogs are good. The seventh-inning stretch is good. Seeing a game under the lights on a great summer evening with your friends and your family is really good. But there are definite problems even when you’re there at the game. Because they’re mostly outside, the games lack the spirit that other professional sports venues can keep contained. The roar of the crowd you find at so many hockey or basketball games is completely non-existent at the ballparks. Plus, a lot of teams aren’t even filling up their parks. Watch the upper deck during the game. Maybe an occasional ball will get up there, only to the company of two teenagers making out and an entire section of open seats. Fun when you’re there, yes, but it’s not because of the baseball. It’s because of the company and the tradition.

For me, the icing on the cake is the fact that baseball fans love comparing modern players to historic greats. Most baseball fans were born after World War II. Note to these people: Babe Ruth retired in 1935. Ty Cobb, 1926. The list goes on. You never saw them play. Modern-day fans talk about Barry Bonds and Albert Pujols and whoever seems hot at the moment. Can we just tone down the comparisons with people who finished playing long before you, not to mention your parents, were born? They do it in every sport, I know, but in baseball it’s completely overwhelming.

I guess that’s the short list of why baseball bores me. I used to listen to it on the radio in elementary school when I couldn’t sleep. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t pass up a day at the ballpark with my friends and family for a game. It is an American tradition and, for some people, it’s their passion and their greatest love.

For me, though, it’s something I’d rather catch on ESPN . if I absolutely have to.

Oh, and one last thing I should tell you that probably does not help my case against baseball: did I mention I was from Detroit?

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