Dear GUrus,

It has occurred to my friends and I that you have had two different logos and spellings in the last two editions. Are you guys just dumb or was there some other reason behind this?

– A baffled fan

It is a sensitive topic for the GUrus, yes, the GUrus do admit there have been two, and now three different spellings of our column name in three different issues of The Hoya. The truth is, the GUrus cannot read or write. How do the GUrus write this column then, do you ask? The answer is simple: Trained chimps on leashes.

Since the GUrus are geniuses with many ideas, this column serves as a proving ground for the GUrus’ prized primates. The GUrus used cunning business sense and intimate knowledge of animal husbandry to create the next breakthrough in technology.

The chimps, which have been bred for docile behavior and secretarial skills (you know, like the ape in Congo), will be a formidable threat to voice recognition chips that will soon be installed in personal computers. Through extensive studies, the GUrus have determined that the chimps will type more than 20 words per-minute faster than the voice software, even when the chimps are sleep deprived and malnourished. A writer will be able to use his chimp at any time of night.

Over the last three weeks, the GUrus discovered, however, that the chimps apparently have the grammatical training of a modern hip-hop artist (hence the incorrect “GUru’s”), a flaw we will correct on a genetic level and integrate into the training during the next mating year.

I know that some of you might say that we should punish the chimps, perhaps maiming them with a tire iron, an all-too ironic monkey wrench or something along those lines. However, the GUrus feel that it would be cruel and unfair to the chimps and our last run-in with PETA did not end well for all involved. The GUrus made the error, not the chimps. With that error realized, the GUrus feel that there will be no further problems with our name.

Dear GUrus,

On the heels of this weekend’s Super Bowl, the XFL is set to kick off a new brand of football. The XFL offers a lot of flash, with scantily clad cheerleaders, no fair catches and the personalities of Jesse Ventura, Dick Butkus and Vince McMahon. Are all of the bells and whistles of this league to cover up the minor league talent? Is this league destined for the dumps, much like NFL Europe and the Arena League?

– Chris, Freezing in Maine

Chris is absolutely right. Save for a few notable exceptions such as Rashaan Salaam and Alvin Harper, the talent in the XFL will be sub-par compared to the NFL. That is, of course, if Salaam sobers up for a few days and Harper can still walk without assitence.

However, the GUrus feel that the XFL will overcome this dilemma with flying colors.

At its inception, the creators of the XFL decided to basically take the three things men like most, (sports, copious amounts of hot women and gratuitous violence) and throw them into a game together. The GUrus can find no chink in the armor of this testosterone-generating extravaganza. Take, for example, the team names: The NY/NJ Hitmen, the Las Vegas Outlaws, the Los Angeles Xtreme and, best of all, the Memphis Maniax, whose logo is AX, for no apparent reason whatsoever. You don’t even have to spell to enjoy this sport.

Additionally, the XFL comes from the genius over at the WWF, Vince McMahon. Most likely every player will have his own catch phrase: “Can you smell what Rashaan is cooking?”

And as the XFL gains popularity it will most likely attract fresh talent to the league. Players like Todd Marinovich and Lawrence Phillips were born to play in this league, though someone may have to spring for Phillips’ bail.

But the stroke of genius in the creation of the XFL lies in the selection of announcers. Sure it will be funny and entertaining to see Jesse Ventura toughing out the weather in the stands (for about a week), but the best idea was to resurrect the illustrious Mike Adamle of American Gladiator fame. The GUrus feel that XFL will gain even more popularity with the prized demographic of males 18-34 if former gladiators form their own team and play in the league. Maybe Nitro, Laser and Gemini are too old to play, but that will simply add to the fun. The GUrus also suggest that the gladiators challenge players on the opposing team to the Joust, Assault and Powerball during halftime for an additional 40 points. The GUrus offer that the Breakthrough portion of Breakthrough and Conquer should be used to decide any XFL games that end in a tie. And Mike Adamle will be there to announce every minute of it.

And if all else fails Stone Cold Steve Austin will run out of the stands and hit Rashaan Salaam over the head with a chair.

Hey GUrus,

So, I’m reading last week’s Under The Table – the weekly feature in The Hoya Guide – and I am wondering about the MCI Center. Just how many ounces are in an MCI beer, and do the GUrus recommend having a few beers at the game or do you think it is a distraction. Also, do you know if MCI has beer vendors because there is nothing more classic at a sporting event than hearing “Beeeeeaaaah heeeeaaaah. Hey, beer man!”

– Norm Peterson

When it comes to the games of the Georgetown Hoyas, the fans need the utmost concentration, so beer really is not suggested. If you are drinking before the noon games at MCI, the GUrus suggest that you attend AA meetings. At other sporting and non-sporting functions held at MCI, by all means, hit any type of alcohol that you wish. The GUrus definitely understand that certain distractions must be present to dull the pian of watching the Washington Wizards play.

The GUrus also feel that the drunken state of fans will increase concession sales since fewer people will mind paying $9 dollars for a pretzel.

By all means, drink before the event, intravenously at the event, anything that will help the cause.

Disappointingly, MCI does not have any beer men.. Yes, at some point in the night, you will have to get up out of your seat to stay at a near-lethal blood alcohol level. That is, if you support the commercial juggernaut that is MCI Center. As if domestic beer prices aren’t bad enough, rumors have circulated that MCI seels imported lagers for as much as $35. While the GUrus certainly accept and support the capitalistic model that this country is founded on, we do not support the outrageous price of concessions, nor the labeling of Killian’s Irish Red as an import, when it is brewed in Denver, Colo. The GUrus do not know the exact regulation of the arena, but we advise that you bring your own. We’re pretty sure that they won’t mind.

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