It’s happened again. Each week I spend days on end crafting a column of subtle brilliance and brilliant subtlety. With tears in my eyes I turn it in to my Hoya Editors, hoping for approval, yearning for publication. Thursday nights are sleepless nights at best for me, as I lie awake, awash in giddy anticipation of Friday’s paper. In the morning, I leap from bed, sprint to Leavey, grab The Hoya, turn to my column and cry the tears of a thousand sophomores whose fake ID’s didn’t work at the Tombs. There in the middle of the page, surrounded by my clever prose is some kind of cartoon or something. What? I don’t understand it. I’m a writer, a legitimate journalist. The only writers I know who need illustrations write children’s books. I’m a Famous Hoya Columnist for a major University newspaper. Why do I keep getting pictures? The words I put down on paper stand for themselves. I don’t need drawings of my presumed themes. If I wanted pictures, I’d have a Famous Hoya Comic Strip. But I don’t. I have a Famous Hoya Column. So why God, why, do I have an Infamous Hoya Illustrator? Not that I’m letting my ego drive this. What I think on this issue, even though it is the most important thing, is not the only thing. So in an effort to add journalistic legitimacy to my complaints (as well as name drop a few more friends in the Hoya), I solicited the feelings of normal Georgetown students. What did the people, my hordes of fans, think? Well, public opinion on the issue appears to be divided. Comments ranged from loyal fan and dear friend Erin Durkay’s (SFS ’99) unprintable, expletive laced diatribe to the simplicity of Seth Lucia’s (COL ’00) “Oh, they [the illustrations] are good.” Furthermore, the gap between these opposing views was bridged by a confused minority whose thoughts were marked by either an inability to grasp what I was talking about or a general lack of opinion. “I think it’s…uh…why?” was Zeena Lafeer’s (COL ’99) stumbling remark. Christine Paces (COL ’99) confessed that she did not “have an opinion.” So without a clear mandate from my adoring fans (or for that matter, a coherent statement from some of them), I’m left with no option but to make a personal decision about the visual future of my column. Ok. Done. I don’t want any more cartoons. Not that I’m arguing for cartoonist unemployment.I’m sure we can find something else that could use some illustrations besides my column. Hey, I know! We can put explanatory cartoons in the Bar Review! Wouldn’t this artist’s ink-stained skills be better employed, perhaps, illustrating the drunken and incoherent musings of Brian Egolf (SFS ’99) and Daniel Drum (SFS ’99)? Wouldn’t it be great to have pictures drawn of all the sleazy girls that Brian and Dan try to pick up at sleazy downtown bars? Now that would be value for my illustration dollar! But I’m at the end of my rope here. I’ve pleaded with my Famous Hoya Editors and they’ve ignored me. I beg mercy from Famous Christian Gods but none of them heed my cries. It would seem that I’m stuck with these pictures. Newspaper illustrations are just a cross that I have to bare. To all the kids like Erin, I’m sorry, but I feel like I’ve done all that I can. I’ve heard your complaints and felt your pain, but I don’t know how to get my point across and get this changed. What else can I do to get these cartoons away from my column? aybe I should draw a picture. Now on a different note, it’s mid-October and all of you know what that means; It’s once again time for the annual `Win A Date With the Famous Hoya Columnist’ contest. The rules are simple and the contest is open to all female Georgetown undergraduates. Just e-mail me, in 50 words or less, why you think you should be the lucky girl to go on a date with Nicholas Johnston, the Famous Hoya Columnist. The winner will receive an all expense paid night at the Tombs with me. All entries must be received by midnight on Fri., Oct. 23. My e-mail address is johnstongusun.georgetown.edu. The winning entry will be chosen solely by me based on artistic merit and literary content, among other things. Please include your full name, class year and phone number for prompt prize notification. All entries become property of the Famous Hoya Column and entry in this contest constitutes consent that your entry be published in a future Famous Hoya Column. This contest is void where prohibited, taxed or restricted. Thanks for reading ladies, good luck! Editor’s Note: If requested, a chaperone will be provided to any women willing to go out with the writer. A Famous Hoya Columnist appears Fridays in The Hoya.

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