Being successful in the working world requires a few things. First, full competence and literacy … Check. Second, a college degree … working on it. Third, three to four pantsuits … ehhh, I’d rather not. And finally, a working comprehension of html. … Now this presents a problem for me.

Last semester, as I’ve mentioned before, I wrote a column titled “Grandma Goes to Turkey.” It was called such because of my tendency to enjoy things that any sprightly gal by the name of Gertrude, Peggy or Mildred would also enjoy, not to mention my use of terms like “sprightly gal.” But, as I’ve also mentioned, a free Avicii concert on the shores of the Bosphorus changed me. So upon my return to Georgetown’s stomping grounds, I felt refreshed and more open to the idea of a strobe light.

I still share one tiny little characteristic with Peggy, Gertrude and Mildred, however: I have no idea what html is nor have I ever “tweeted” (still not even sure if that’s the verb form of Twitter). Google Docs stresses me out, Dropbox sounds like gypsy magic, a “Cloud” is still just a metereologicalphenomenon to me, and every time I get an email that says I’ve been invited to LinkedIn, I violently respond: “I DON’T NEED YOUR ONLINE DATING SERVICE YET! LEAVE ME ALONE!”

Not to mention, I can’t for the life of me figure out why people take pictures with their iPads. Stop it. You look ridiculous. Pick up your iPhone 5, which is sitting right next to it, and use that. You didn’t wait in line for three hours before the Apple store opened for nothing, right? Also, I find Kindles to be excessive. What’s wrong with a book? You look smarter with a good, old-fashioned paperback and a pen. Show me that chick. I want to hire her.

Basically what this comes down to is that I am 21 years old, literate, about to have a college degree, could own a pantsuit if forced to, and yet still have no applicable skills for this fresh, young job market. I have, as any future-conscious college senior would, been browsing various job listings and finding that there are always one or two glaring problems for me under the “Desired Attributes” category: Full understanding of social media? Well, I can change a Facebook status like no one else, but I only just got Timeline. Able to operate Adobe Bridge? Umm, like a drawbridge? It’s just a lever, right? Ability to run a blog? Well, I had a tumblr once, but I lost track of it. People skills? I have that! I would people skill the hell out of your office.

I want to overcome this problem, I really do, but I just can’t bring myself to register for those “how to” classes at the Apple store. I’m afraid the 70-year-old man to my left who just got his first personal computer from his grandkids would start to ask me questions that I wouldn’t be able to answer. It’s hard being a member of this fast-paced generation when your grandfather has the TMZ app on his iPad and you have duct tape keeping your battery in your cell phone.

I can’t really say for sure where my aversion to technological advances comes from. Perhaps it was the one desktop computer that we all shared in my house until I graduated high school. Or was it that a video game system didn’t exist in my house until, well, after I started college and my brothers moved to the West Coast? (Convenient timing, Mom and Dad. Well played.)
Sure, without all the extraneous technological distractions I may have excelled quite well in my primary schooling (though I never won a spelling bee), but now I’m about to be a college graduate and have no idea how to use Twitter — apparently a currently desirable professional skill. Essentially, what I’m saying is I really should’ve had a PlayStation long ago. Who would have guessed something like that would help me find a job?

Meagan Kelly is a senior in the College. RING BY SPRING appears every other Friday in the guide.

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