After a reasonable time at Georgetown, nearly everyone develops a sex and dating byline. For example: Joe Hoya is a senior in the MSB who once dated your friend Meredith. He is currently “talking to” Elizabeth J., although rumor has it he still loves his ex-girlfriend from freshman year, Jennifer L.. Jane Hoya is a junior in the College who once dated Vince Thompson and was last sighted with Eric G. at the Tombs.
You get the point.
The more people you’re involved with, the longer your byline. Hell, some people’s romantic histories might even warrant a mini-memoir by the time they graduate.
Nobody likes to be defined by their relationships with other people, but it’s inevitable that when people discover that you’ve dated or hooked up with someone they know, they will associate you with that person. It sucks, but it’s often unavoidable. People talk, and oftentimes, college gossip has lengthy echo.
Georgetown has a pretty small campus, and within our relatively small population, there are smaller social groups of people who hang out together on a regular basis. On top of this, many Georgetown kids have a remarkable capacity for doing the same thing on particular nights of the week, so it’s likely you’ll see familiar faces at certain venues every Thursday, Friday or Saturday night. Such an intimate environment is conducive to social incest: the romantic mingling of people from interrelated social groups, many of whom have a history with your friends or acquaintances.
There are unspoken laws that govern social incest, such as whether you need permission before pursuing a friend’s old flame, or how long of a grace period you need before pursuing them yourself. Because sex and dating often lead to emotional attachment, you must be aware of the following tips so you don’t sabotage your friendships by crossing the wrong lines. But how do you define these boundaries? To start, ask yourself the following questions:
Who Broke Up With Whom? I
f your friend was dumped, the ex is hands-off for the most part. If your friend was the dumper and you don’t mind sloppy seconds, it’s an entirely new ball game; however, you have to let your friend cool off and move on before you make your move. The initial green light is when your friend starts dating another person, but if you’re still unsure, err on the side of caution and get pursuit permission.
Did It End Well?
It takes two to tango; it takes two to fight; and in the end, there are always two sides of the story. You can’t rely too heavily on your friend’s narration of how the break-up was because the past does not dictate the future. But it is prudent to be wary of certain red flags, like streaks of infidelity and/or behavioral problems ,such as extreme anger or jealousy. It’s also a bad sign if you start to get to know someone your friend once dated and he or she badmouths your buddy.
Sometimes it pays off to end things on a good note. Believe it or not, I once set up an ex-boyfriend with one of my girlfriends. This might seem counterintuitive to many people, but paradoxically, it made sense because he was a quality guy who was exactly the kind of person my girlfriend would be compatible with.
Such gestures demand a couple prerequisites, however: 1.The ex is a genuinely good person, and things simply didn’t work out for the two of you because of outlying factors, and 2. You are completely over your ex. This is important, as I know a person who once permitted a friend ex hook up relationship in a show of feigned detachment, and the aftermath involved three severely broken hearts.
How Long Has It Been?
Time doesn’t mean much in these situations. What matters is how far your friend has moved along on his or her quest to get over the person. Some people only need a few weeks, some people take months; you know your friend well enough to gauge whether he or she would be hurt by your actions.
At the same time, you also need to consider that some people are off limits completely. These people include:
The One Who Got Away
Everyone knows that one boy or girl your friends are never going to get over. The one who causes their eyes to glaze over with wistful nostalgia whenever someone brings up his or her name. The one you know everything about, because your friend talks about him or her all the time. Yeah, that one. He or she is off limits. I don’t care if he looks like David Beckham or if she’s grabbing at your crotch in a drunken fury on Saturday night. It’s just wrong.
Loyalty in friendships should trump volatile lust. Putting the latter before the former is counterproductive anyways, as two people involved in any romantic relationship, whether it’s a fling or a long-term commitment, must respect and trust each other, and it’s hard to trust someone who’d backstab their friend. Good karma will come around and take care of you in turn.
Your Roommate’s Ex
There are very few occasions when it’s acceptable to hook up with your roommate’s ex. Especially if you share a room — I mean, how do you “sexile” your roommate to hook up with someone they have a history with?
Things are a bit different for housemates, but still potentially awkward. What if his mid-coital grunts sound oddly familiar, and you realize, Oh yeah, I heard him a couple weeks ago in Kate’s room? Not fun.
They say all’s fair in love and war, but I beg to differ. Follow these unspoken rules because relationships come and go, but true friends are hard to come by. And, by all means, wrap it up, because if you think about it, social incest is like a non-synchronized orgy of sorts. Although your mother used to tell you that “sharing is caring,” I’m pretty sure she wasn’t talking about love juice.
Jane Yu is a senior in the College. She can be reached at yu@thehoya.com. Between the Sheets appears every other Friday in The Guide.