The golden age of romance, which produced famous lines like, “Wherefore art thou Romeo?” has died, rotted and turned to dust. Letters have given way to e-mail. Even phone calls are so 2006. And in their place, heralding its arrival with a shrill polyphonic cry, is the age of, “Where u @.” Shakespeare, we’re sorry.

It’s an undeniable fact that we have become a text message generation. Why? We’re addicted to instant gratification. Send. Read. Reply. Repeat. And with regards to instant gratification — texts can be so darn handy at helping you get that as well. Text. Sex. It’s no mere coincidence that it almost rhymes. We can forego the awkward yet obligatory, “How are you, what are you up to?” that precedes the beginning of every phone conversation. We can forward and be forward. We can strategize our weekend trysts with the power of “CC.” This tool, with all its intricacies, has spurred a new mating ritual. A seemingly casual yet complex dance around the main topic at hand: When are we getting together…? Interpret that however you desire — to watch a movie, to go to Leo’s, to study for orgo, to have wild, rampant sex….

But first, you must know how to work the right buttons. Step one:
You get someone’s number. What next?

The Meet and Greet Text

The art of flirting has always been a balancing act between the inconvenient necessity of feigned indifference and little signs of interest that maintain your crush’s attention. We’ve all heard of the three-day rule when it comes to calling. But how long do you wait before texting someone after you get their number? Fortunately, texting is already a compromise between playing it cool and showing interest: It’s more impersonal than a phone call or e-mail, but hey, it’s contact nonetheless. When you exchange numbers, casually mention, “I’ll text you so you have my number,” and text them a quick message with your name on the spot — no long (possibly creepy) message, no emoticons, just your name — and if they reply to your brief text later on, you’re golden.

Now you have one extra phone number in your phonebook. This might come in handy next weekend, when the alarm can stay off and you can wake up late next to the catch you caught with the …

Big Net Tactic

One of my guy friends filled me in on this interesting technique that some guys do before and while they’re out to increase their chances of “hanging out” with someone after. It’s pretty clever. Get this: They mass text about, say, 10 girls with a generic, “What are you doing tonight?” before they go out. This is the throwing of the net. “Why so many?” I asked. “Well, the bigger the net, the more fish you’ll catch,” he explained. Oh.

So then, a few hours later, when a few replies trickle in, they text the repliers with a “What’d you end up doing?” or “How’s your night so far?” or some variation of the sort. This is to gauge which fish are swimming close to the net and which ones are far offshore. I see it kind of like that board game, Clue: Brandon is all the way up Wisconsin, so he’s not the one; Mike is all the way in Adams Morgan, so neither is he; Brian’s at Tombs. Nice. Reel him in. ….

What? Girls have needs too. So you text-charmed your way into a sleepover last weekend. And you want to do it again. But what if your phone has a better memory than you do, and its predictive text function continues to type “Brian” after every “Wanna come over?” It’s easy, all you have to do is …

Retrain your phone.

Please, I can’t stress this enough: Check if your phone has predictive text. Your phone can become your greatest betrayer, texting the wrong name to the wrong person after one night when you typed those words together, thereby emblazoning the word order into your little handheld’s cold, unsympathetic memory.

The remedy? If you can’t simply turn the auto-complete function off, no worries. Most phones are programmed so that repetition takes precedence over a single instance. If you type “Wanna come over today?” over and over again, your phone will start typing the new alternative and behaving well, even if you haven’t. Reprogramming your naughty phone will better prepare you for the night when you will inevitably type …

The Drumnken Txt Mssge

We’ve all done it.

The popularity of drunken text messages is due to their ease of execution. At a loud bar? No problem. Trying to be subtle so you can still try your shots with someone in your vicinity? Have no fear: No one can interpret clicking keys, and texting only takes seconds, so you can send a secret message and put your phone away before the attractive stranger across the room reverts his gaze back in your direction. (Just stifle your smile as you text — facial expressions when sending/receiving are the key to deciphering what’s being typed and also the relationship between the sender and receiver. By stifling a naughty grin, you can make a “What are you wearing” text seem as innocent as “I want Philly P.”) So, okay. You’re drunk. You think your droopy eyes and burpy slur are endlessly attractive. And as many drunks do, you want to go home with someone. The only problem is, at this point, if you’re already drunk, and you didn’t toss the net in the ocean already, doing it now will just scare the fish away. Even more so if you are completely incoherent.

The solution? Quick messages. You know, those messages that you can pre-save on your phone so you can send them later without having to type them out again. I know they’re a bother and nobody really does it, but think about it: Would you rather send your crush something you thought of while sober, or would you rather send out some completely incoherent, vulgar rambling that you thought was brilliant while seven drinks deep at two in the morning?

I thought so. So think general: “What’s up?” “How’s your night?” or “Sorry, with some friends, I’ll text you later. Hope you’re having a great night,” will do. Get creative with the variations so you can cover your ass in every scenario imaginable. And before you go out, repeat after me: Composing new text messages while drunk will lead to humiliation and complete fishing failure. Hammer it into your head before you get hammered.

Because there are few remedies for drunk messaging, and nothing’s worse than waking up in the morning, looking at your outbox, slapping your pounding forehead and saying
“WHAT!? I CALLED HIM BRIAN?”

That’s enough for today, my little grasshoppers. Txt awy.

Jane Yu is a senior in the College. She can be reached at yu@thehoya.com. Between the Sheets runs every other Friday in The Guide.