Allow me to introduce myself. I graduated from the College in 1999 with a major in government (really, a major in Father Schall – the best teacher I have ever had. If you haven’t taken his classes, DO SO!)

Some of you may notice the crucifixes on the walls in most of Georgetown’s classrooms. I was the President of the Georgetown University Committee for Crucifixes in the Classroom. I was Grand Knight of the Georgetown University Knights of Columbus. I was the Treasurer of the Philodemic Society. I was the Georgetown Academy’s Man of the Year. I was one of Georgetown’s unofficial Defenders of the Faith. I was – and am – a gay man.

Not that I ever told anybody I was gay at Georgetown, except for a couple of my dearest friends, and then only in hushed tones, as if confessing to a crime. How could a Defender of the Faith be gay? Perhaps I became a Defender of the Faith because I was terrified of my sexuality. Who knows?

Don’t get me wrong: I’m proud of most of the activities I was involved in at GU. I met great people in the Knights, the Crucifix Committee and the Philodemic. I am still in close contact with my two best friends from Georgetown and visit the Hilltop once or twice a year. I just wish I’d spent less time saving Georgetown’s Catholic identity and more time trying to come to terms with my own identity as a gay man.

While at Georgetown, I took it upon myself to openly mock Professor Ingebretsen’s class Unspeakable Lives: Gay and Lesbian Narrative, while secretly longing to take the course. I criticized GU Pride in The Hoya, while, in my heart of hearts, wishing I could gather the courage to go to a meeting. And, in countless conversations over the years, I disparaged gay people and defended my Church’s harmful teachings on homosexuality.

I don’t think many people know what it’s like to be gay and Catholic – except those of us who are. Let me describe to you the feeling. It’s having your Church say to you that it’s disordered to be attracted to those of the same sex. It is not sinful, though. It’s only sinful if you act on it. By acting on it, my Church means being intimate with someone of the same sex. So, essentially, a gay Catholic is “supposed to” live a life devoid of the love and intimacy for which each of us long. It means that, even if I am in an exclusive, monogamous, loving relationship with another man, I am doing evil by showing my love for him.

I lived this lie for many years, “bearing my cross” and committing myself to a life of loneliness and despair. The loneliness is hard to describe to straight people. It’s the loneliness of seeing straight couples together, and knowing you’ll never know the love of another human being because it’s forbidden. It’s the loneliness of seeing your best friends pair off with their girlfriends to leave you alone to contemplate your solitude. It’s the loneliness of knowing that, no matter how much fun you may be having with your friends today, you know the day will come when they’ll be married, and you’ll be feeling sorry for yourself because you have no love in your life and never will.

I’ll never forget the visit of one of my good friends from high school and his girlfriend to the Hilltop. We took a long walk down to the Lincoln Memorial and were having a great time, ostensibly. But I was really torn to pieces, knowing that my friend and his girlfriend could have a future – love and happiness together, while I was condemned to be alone for all my days. I hurt so badly that I went into the restroom at the Lincoln Memorial and cried. I returned to my friend and his girlfriend and put on my happy face again, fearing to tell the pain I felt inside. These kinds of instances were not uncommon for me at Georgetown.

I have news for you: it’s a lie. I’m gay, and, God willing, I will have love in my life someday. I will know the love of another man. I haven’t given up my faith – far from it. I go to Mass, participate in the Sacraments and love my Church, misguided though it may be in its teachings on homosexuality.

I hope that by reading this, I might help some of you at Georgetown today who are gay and are afraid to accept yourselves. Read Andrew Sullivan’s book Virtually Normal. Read The Best Little Boy in the World, by John Reid (Andrew Tobias). Find someone supportive to talk to about being gay. Go to a GU Pride meeting and make gay friends. Take Unspeakable Lives. Find a significant other to love. Most of all, know the love of God for you. He made you, holds you in the palm of His hand and loves you as you are.

Jon Soucy is a 1999 graduate of the College. He lives and works as a public relations professional in St. Louis, Missouri. He can be reached at jes8525yahoo.com.