Dear GURUs,

What are your feelings about Mario Lemieux’s return?

– Jack from Pittsburgh

Well, in the past nine games, Super Mario has definitely impacted the team. Since he came out of retirement, Lemieux has 19 points and the Penguins have gone on a 6-3 run. Most importantly for the financially struggling Pens, more Pittsburgh fans are paying to see the team in action, increasing the average attendance at the Igloo.

Since Lemieux’s return has positively affected the league, the GURUs feel that more owners should play for their own team. It will add more excitement to the game. The other players get paid no matter what, but the owner has his finances directly tied to the team’s success. Other former greats that now own teams should join Lemieux and play for their respective teams. Gretzky and Jordan will not garner success from the owner’s box, yet have thrown their hats in the ring once again to help out the club. But the GURUs feel that it is unfair to restrict the role of owner/player to merely former athletes.

The GURUs feel that fans really want to see out of shape, old men and women that own sports teams playing, struggling with the premier athletes of today. Sure, it would be fun to see Jordan play basketball again, but what about Ted Leonsis on skates, or Marge Schott behind the plate? By the GURU’s calculations George Steinbrenner in center field will gain more fans than the Great One lacing up the skates for a second time. And it should. Wouldn’t it be great if Steinbrenner traded himself for a power hitter for the stretch run in 2001?

Dear GURUs,

What do you think the result of the Marcus Camby fight will be?

– Cleofus from the Bronx

The future is hazy on this my friend. History would lead us to believe that the NBA would level a fine against our haymaker-throwing hoopster as well as a multiple game suspension, during which Mr. Camby will lounge on his couch and read his back issues of ESPN the magazine. After several days of R&R, Camby will return to the ranks of the Knicks where he will play mediocre basketball until the late rounds of the playoffs when the Knicks will lose, draft an overrated underachieving draft pick with their low first round pick and then trade all of their young talent for aging white men.

But the GURUs see things a little differently (as you might have noticed.) Camby will not return to the Knicks. Instead he will put he put his obvious natural talent to better us and join the World Boxing Association as a welterweight. There he will find success for several years under the trouncing tutelage of Don King before retiring a very rich man indeed.

At the other end of the spectrum, Knicks coach Jeff Van Gundy’s fighting record drops to 0-2 lifetime. Saddened and embarrassed by the humiliation and endless taunting of Spike Lee, Van Gundy will resign as Knicks head coach. The GURUs speculate that three to four years after leaving the Knicks, residual damage from Camby’s concussive connection will begin to take hold, reducing his vocabulary to the words “floppy” and “Cuisinart.” After several one-sided conversations with his Honda Civic’s hood ornament in public, Van Gundy’s wife will have him committed, promptly ending his new found dream of being an interior decorator and crushing his will to live.

Dear GURUs,

What are your predictions for the Super Bowl?

– Joe from Village C East

As the GURUs draw upon this world’s higher powers to divine their answers, thus making us infallible (at least to our parents), we remind you that it would be morally wrong (and dumb) to place bets on the game based on our opinions.

With that said, the GURUs believe that this Super Bowl will be one for the ages. Ray Lewis has a streak to maintain, and we do not envy anyone on the Giants’ offense. In spite of his explosion last week in the Giants’ improbably 41-0 romp over the Vikings, Kerry Collins will have his hands full and will be driven back to the bottle by the frustrating Raven defense. On the other side of the ball, Michael Strahan will be on Trent Dilfer tighter than Ray Lewis’ alibi.

Two factors will make the difference in this defensive-minded struggle. The first will be inspiration, and the G-men will have the great Lawrence Taylor on their sidelines to fire them up. Of course that’s if he isn’t trying to snort the 50 yard line along with half-time entertainer and rock legend Steven Tyler. The second will be the SWAT team, which will storm the field at half time and arrest Ray Lewis to the tune of `N SYNC’s “Bye, Bye, Bye.”

In the end the Giants will win 8-7 on two field goals and a safety resulting from Dilfer running out of his own endzone in an attempt to avoid Strahan’s wandering hands.

Dear GURUs,

What is a Hoya?

– AirHype21 from SoCal

Since the GURUs will never turn down a lengthy answer to a boring, innocent question, here is the answer (believe us, this is actually true):

Back in the day (the late 1800s to be exact), fans of the baseball team were the first ones attributed with the famous cheer, “Hoya Saxa.” The cheer is believed to originate from stone walls with “saxa” written on them that surrounded the baseball field. Fans confused their education in Latin and Greek (some things never change) to form a cheer that literally means “what rocks.” Around 1920, geniuses at the school newspaper (that also never changes), petitioned to change the name of the paper to The Hoya (ah, the tradition). When the paper started referring to the football team as the Hoyas, it didn’t take long for the entire Georgetown community to adopt the nickname. As for the implementation of the bulldog as the mascot, the GUrus could only find out that it involved an intricate conspiracy involving the Dons of powerful Chicago crime families. The GURUs were pursuing our mafia leads until several of our informants turned up in the Potomac and a piece of one was found in a crab cake. Subsequent inquiries have been dropped.

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