We recognize that it is quite trendy to be a relativist these days. Everybody gets to feel good and, don’t worry, nobody has to be wrong. Yes, wasn’t it Father O’Donovan who called for a Task Force on Enhanced Inclusiveness? No standards, no rules, and we can all live blissfully unexamined lives. Wake up, Georgetown. There are some opinions that are just plain wrong. They are based on incorrect facts or are the result of poor thinking. Here are just few of such intellectual gems from recent issues of The Hoya posited by the mental Goliaths on our campus: Gem #1: If Georgetown wants to be an elite university, it must adopt the Safe Zones program – The Hoya Editorial Board. Quick, contact US News & World Report. We want to add a new category to their criteria for ranking universities. Call it: Homosexual admission statistics and funding for resolving confused sexuality. Really now, is it the place of a professor who attended a two-day pop psych crash course in sexual sensitivity to be advising young men and women on issues of a very personal and moral nature? And why stop at the university level? Before accepting a job offer, make sure you find that pink triangle displayed prominently on your future boss’s door. Then you will be able to rest assured that you can plop down on your boss’s leather couch and she can help you figure out whether you really are a lesbian. Maybe in the real world they will even post red teardrops in case we want to talk about aborting an unwanted child or green dollar signs if we need help sorting out our gambling addictions. Gem #2: Condom distribution at our Catholic university will be overlooked because condoms are articles for “disease protection,” not contraceptives – Carol Day, Director of Health Education. Any self-respecting Hoya knows that using a condom is just like wearing a hat in winter to avoid catching a cold. Sure. And the Pill is not a contraceptive either; women take it to fight acne. Premarital sex is only wrong if you get an STD. Wouldn’t you agree? Sadly, after Peer Education insults your intelligence and undermines your morality, these campus-sanctioned indoctrinators go on to assault your sense of propriety by mandating that you watch a pap smear in mixed company. Freshmen: The thought control police are trying to con you yet again. You do not have to go to Peer Ed. They cannot make you write an essay if you miss the meeting. If they try, give us a call. Gem #3: Georgetown oppresses women; however, the Women’s Center and their damn lies can inspire women to achieve – Martha Van Hoy, Founder of Women’s Political Caucus and Brett Silton, Defender of the Women’s Center. Unfortunately, these poor souls are two more victims suckered by radical liberal propaganda. After intense re-education, you too will believe that women need to be lied to with grossly exaggerated statistics regarding the prevalence of rape and the wage gap. Why we might ask? You will quickly declare: Being labeled as victims makes women tough. This is the only way that women will be motivated to protect themselves and seek high paying jobs. Martha and Brett, just come right out and say what you believe: Women are the weaker sex. Men, rather, need only truth and cold facts, not feminist fabrications to inspire them to achieve. Of course, we could go on and on, but we girls – no, not womyn – need every last bit of strength to fight the insidiously, omnipotent patriarchy. We hope that the next time the puppets of the politburo attempt to characterize all critical opinion as oppression, you’ll resist the appeal of their feel-good theatrics. The Truth is counting on you. The Glass Menagerie appears Tuesdays in The Hoya.

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