I’ll always remember my brief foray into campus politics with a smile. A bushy-tailed freshman, I made my run for one of those powerful seats in our hallowed, and by hallowed I mean not hallowed at all, student government – GUSA.

I attended the meetings, filled out petitions and put up fliers. Nonetheless, I quickly found myself falling behind in the race. I just couldn’t keep up with everyone else’s campaign promises. There were people who had “great ideas,” others who disliked New South food and some, not many, but some, who had names that rhymed with sexy and dexy, as in Dexy’s idnight Runners. I eventually finished second-to-last in the election, having been beaten out by several campaign dropouts, a Wisey’s bum, all four members of Abba, the unholy living corpse of Adlai Stevenson and your mom.

After this adventure, I slowly learned more about Georgetown’s source of student advocacy. Now, many people will tell you that GUSA had its roots in the 1980s, replacing another student government which replaced something called the Yard which itself had grown out of 1920s vaudeville troupe named Rosenstern and Guildencrantz.

Behind this musical facade lies a much darker background lies. GUSA was actually founded in 1964 as the Georgetown University Squirrel Alliance, a corporatist-Menshevik-revolutionary front founded by the charismatic but enigmatic Black Squirrel. This legendary guerrilla rodent maintained a martial ideology, intent at overthrowing all human society at Georgetown. Nonetheless, a power struggle ensued in 1983, pitting squirrel against squirrel in internecine warfare. Seeing weakness, human interlopers crushed the revolution and seized control of GUSA in fall 1986.

As you see, much of GUSA is still shrouded in myth. To help out any freshmen considering making the same decision I did three years ago, here are some other myths that I have helpfully debunked for you:

1. GUSA satisfies your recommended daily allowance of vitamin D.

No, milk does.

2. GUSA representatives suck the breath from small children while they sleep.

No, this is actually an ancient legend and not part of the reformed GUSA reform constitution. In the legend, small gremlins or trolls sneak into children’s bedrooms and steal their breath, either by resting and putting excessive weight on their lungs or directly inhaling the child’s breath through his or her nose. Of course, there is that one clause in the proposed Yard constitution, but I dare them to find an ample enough supply of gremlins and trolls to carry out the grim task.

3. GUSA is a democratic institution.

Undetermined. Around 10 students vote in freshman elections, and that marks the high point of voter turnout among one’s four years at Georgetown. Now, if this is democracy, where’s rule by absolute fiat when you need it? Last year, only one rising senior voted, allowing him to claim the title of Chairman of the GUSA Politburo, a power which allowed him to smite any uppity SAC commissioner at will. And speaking of “Great Leaps Forward” in student governance, there just one more issue to address.

4. One can only change GUSA by advocating reform.

False. In fact, everyone who enters GUSA promotes some form of reform, from the uncommonly common “Common Sense” pamphlet of a few years back to the corporate stroking platform of former GUSA president Ron Palmese. In fact, it would be a major change for GUSA if everyone didn’t advocate some sort of purported reform. A true GUSA radical would admit publicly that he wanted to see GUSA amusingly roll down its slippery slope to oblivion. And laugh maniacally all the while.

There might be some of you out there who are saying, “But what about this Yard thing that some people are talking about? Wouldn’t that be different?” It’s true that the proposed Yard constitution has some new trinkets and shiny objects of parliamentary procedure, tribunals and freemason councils to amuse the populace, but in the end it just can’t escape the fact that most everyone on campus just don’t care which highfalutin’ self-proclaimed student elite represents them.

So there.

Speaking of this inter-organizational competition, I do have one important announcement to make.

This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! GUSA President and Vice-President Ryan DuBose and Brian Walsh will take on all Yardies in a no-holds barred cage match! This is no myth. Come one, come all to the matchup of the century – GUSA-Yard! Your ticket will buy you the whole seat, but you’ll only need the edge! And in a shocking conclusion the Black Squirrel will emerge from retirement and exile to regain his title as GUSA heavyweight champion. The revolution will not be televised … except on pay-per-view!

You see, in the battle of student associations, the furry woodland creatures always win.

Colin Relihan is a senior in the School of Foreign Service and assistant Web editor of The Hoya.

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