God: So, a conversation with me? You know that’s not too original. Recently, Michael Moore and Al Franken used that angle in their books. And didn’t your friend Chris use this same format in his essay to get into your college?

Me: I know, but why should I start something new? What about all that “the first shall be last” language?

God: Come on, you’re taking my words out of context.

Me: So? Haven’t all kinds of special interest groups been doing that for centuries?

God: Yes. But, how many of them do you think are up here?

Me: Point taken. All right, I’ve been wondering about a few things lately – I called my friend in New Jersey for advice, but the line was busy so I decided to come to you. Anyway, about this Cardinal Arinze guy .

God: If I could just step in here . Why is it that nobody cares about anything I say these days, but this fellow talks for 15 minutes on a cold day in May and people are still discussing him six months later? Let’s get over it. There are other far more significant things to worry about. And on that subject, make sure that GUSA knows that I decide what’s right and what’s wrong, not them. I’m sick and tired of those kids. Whatever happened to “judge not lest ye be judged”? Tell those wastes to get on to important things, like feeding the poor and expanding GUTS schedules, and stop trying to pad their resumes with toothless resolutions. I don’t want to rant, but how can GUSA spend so much time and so much hard work without getting anything done?

Me: You said it, not me, though I am encouraged that someone still cares about the students on this campus.

God: What about the administration?

Me: I thought you said that you were paying attention. Nobody on this earth can do it, but maybe you can explain how new residence halls can lead to a housing shortage.

God: You got me. I’ve got some of the best minds up here, trying to figure that out. But, now that you remind me, what makes me really angry is their sorry excuses for financial aid packages. Don’t they know that you will be judged by how they treat the least among you?

Me: Can’t you do something? You did create the world in seven days. Maybe even get us in the NCAA tournament this season?

God: First of all, the creation story was a metaphor. You all sit in your highfalutin upper level English classes and still only read one level of my book, which by the way is still millions of copies ahead of Harry Potter and Hillary Clinton. I thought we were past that. And I’m working on basketball games, but I can’t get in the way of free will with the last-minute play calling. You’re asking for a miracle, but I’ll see what I can do.

And one last thing – sorry if anyone gets offended by things I’ve said. English isn’t my first language, you know, and some things get lost in the translation.

Me: Thanks, but before I go, I have just one more question: what newspaper should this go in? If I send it to The Voice, then I can use all the profanity I want.

God: You want people to read it, don’t you?

Me: Got it. Talk to you soon.

Patrick Schmitt is a sophomore in the School of Foreign Service.

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