In my relentless pursuit for journalistic truth and honesty, I feel that there are a few half-truths and inaccuracies which I must correct from previous Famous Hoya Columns. I apologize for the inconvenience and I hope that these corrections will clear up any past misunderstandings. The lengthy column I ran in two parts last year about a man and a whale was not actually written by me. I gave my editors a copy of Herman Melville’s “Moby Dick” with his name scratched out on the cover and mine penciled in. The interview I conducted with Sharon Stone and Jennifer Aniston at a nudist colony was actually an imaginary conversation I had with my microwave oven when it refused to appropriately pop a bag of microwave popcorn. I have never won a Noble Prize for economics. Allen Iverson has never called me “da man” after I dunked on him and I have never been a second-string point guard for the Los Angeles Lakers. y statement that “the final authority on the impeachment proceedings against the President is my GUSA committee” was incorrect. Final authority rests with the House Judiciary committee. My GUSA committee has no authority, final or otherwise. I was neither the fourth nor the fifth person to walk on the moon. In fact, I’ve never walked on the moon at all. I’ve never even been in outer space. I am skipping a class to write this. Although I did once receive an honorable mention in a school science fair, that was in the third and not the 10th grade. My project was not on the Neutrino Emissions of Positively Charged Interstellar Gasses. It was on laundry detergents. I really don’t want to see my ex-girlfriends in hell. Eternal suffering and damnation will probably be a much more pleasurable experience if they aren’t around. I have never stormed the Japanese parliament screaming, “Remember Pearl Harbor!” or attacked Margaret Thatcher while shouting, “Free the Falklands!” I did once ask my roommate to turn down his stereo. He responded by turning it up. y roommate freshman year did not actually throw up “on” me. He threw up next to me. Regardless, my emotional scars are real. In a column published in 1992, I told about the time that I happened upon a burning orphanage in Arlington, VA. According to the column, I rushed into the building and “single-handedly saved 37 children and their pets.” That was not entirely correct. In all honesty, I left the pets to die. The country of NicholasJohnstonania was not named after me and does not hold celebrations every June marking my birth. NicholasJohnstonania does not exist. It is actually Belgium, and they have no idea who I am. I am not Private Ryan. y exclusive interview with Monica Lewinsky was neither exclusive nor an interview. It was simply a series of quotes I copied down from the “Stop Sleeping With the President, You Trashy Ho!” episode of Jerry Springer. I do watch Jerry Springer religiously. The column I wrote two years ago wherein I mentioned that I “won four gold medals in the Barcelona Olympic Games” would be more accurate if the number four was replaced by the number three. And if the entire statement was preceded by “I have not.” Although I have been to London, I did not meet James Bond on my latest trip there. I also did not meet Austin Powers. I did, however, see the Queen. Or something that looked like the Queen. It’s hard to tell for sure sometimes. Oleg Nodleman (SFS ’99) has never asked to be mentioned in one of my columns. He does, however, occasionally wear plaid. The Oscar I won for best actor was actually given to Jack Nicholson. Because I didn’t win it. He did. If I ever said that President Clinton (SFS ’68) would never engage in “sexual relations” with a 22 year-old intern, I probably shouldn’t have. For two months I fasted alone on a mountaintop in pursuit of spiritual enlightenment. However, I did not see the face of God. Instead I discovered the secrets of an amazing weight loss program: Secrets that can be yours for only $29.95! Call today! And finally, this column is in no way an easy out from having to write a real column. You try to do this every week. It’s pretty hard, isn’t it? But Famous Hoya Columnists always write their Famous Hoya Columns and they ensure that they are of the highest quality. This column is no exception. Ok. It is. A Famous Hoya Columnist appears Fridays in The Hoya.

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